journalman's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Power of Silence & A Different Jimmy NOT JUST AT THE DRIVE THRU In my old age, I'm finally learning the power of silence. I know many women who end up meeting a great guy, thinking everything is going great, in some cases not even sleeping with him, and then one day the guy decides to fall off. To disappear without notice. I'd always questioned the practice. I thought to myself, "how insane", right along with the chickfriend. Even in my own life... people have made clean breaks with me. It's happened maybe twice, but god it can be so painful. I myself was left wondering how another person can think it is 'ok' to just walk away. To give off zero information. To be silent. Yet however, I find myself in a familiar situation. I'm upset, my feelings are hurt by somebody, and I'm at a crossroads on how to react. My typical method has proven to be ineffective. I'm academic enough, or damn well I ought to be, to realize that if one method does not work, to simply employ another. My typical reaction to hurt, regardless of how truly justified the hurt is or isn't, is to convince the person doing the hurting that they are in the wrong. Sometimes I even want an apology. The reality of it, though, is that if somebody is hurting you legitimately (though not necessarily 'intentionally'), that they're something of a motherfucker. And the LAST thing a motherfucker will do is admit to being a motherfucker. There's no chance of convincing them of their status. Moreover, even making an effort to impress upon the motherfucker what a motherfucker they happen to be gives the motherfucker a chance to launch a justification for whatever motherfuckin thing they did and turn things around on you to confuse the facts and issues.
So in this case, I'm choosing silence. Maybe I'll get over it, and maybe I won't. But for now, I'm a bit stewy. For now, I don't know what to say to her. For now, I don't even know what I want with her. Check that. I know that at one point, she was girlfriend-material. I know now that she's messed up too much to be anymore. She's new at this. She's new at being single. For all intents and purposes, so am I. We are friends who added this physical element. We've spent a lot of time together as of late... dedicated weekend scheduling and 3-4 overnights per week for months now. She admitted freely to sleeping with her ex a few times during our duration. Indeed it's allowed. As roommate said, "but you don't mention it! you lie about it! when you see multiple people, you have to protect multiple dignities!". She got annoying. She got very kvetchy. Her nagging self reared its ugly head. Things got bad right before she went to Europe. I remember right before her trip, she had grey Life--yles condoms.. like 3 of them, and I turned down the sex. I was that annoyed with her. However since she's returned, we've gotten along well. I was over her place this weekend, and we had a great time. Sexually, we had an AWESOME time. She was very, very generous and so was I. It was fun to share a closeness like this with somebody I am so comfortable with. Indeed I brought my own condoms (they were out in the living room with my bag), so I asked for hers. And she said she didn't have any. As in, "she used them with somebody other than me. probably last weekend when I didn't take her upstate." "She is not your girlfriend, so what do you expect!?" Right? Totally, I'm with you there. But EW! Earlier that day, her phone ran with a man's name, not her ex, and she was all nervous. She put her phone away quickly and he kept calling. I even joked that he should call back the next day because she was busy. She blushed, seemed embarassed, and then offered to pay for lunch. But I didn't know condoms would be missing. That's crazy. Or maybe not crazy at all. She's like my OTHER chick friends. But I think I'm entitled to know if the person I am sleeping with... is sleeping with other people. I don't want to share. I don't share well. I get too close, even physically, to share. I don't do that. I need her to tell me that I'm sharing. I apparently am/was.
I don't want to get into a discussion, because she'll quickly cite that we're 'allowed to' do whatever we please. And then be annoyed at me and annoying overall. I'd probably try for an hour to simply utter that I acknowledge the rules, however wish to evaluate the possiblity that I simply be kept in the loop. She'd never let me get it out. And let me tell you something. Sunday was some CRAZY bedroom fun stuff between the two of us. What business do I have ruining this? What business do I have bringing it up, never convincing the other party of how my feelings shouldn't be hurt in this case, and spoiling some brilliant NSA sex?
There's the other hand. I don't want to share. I don't know how to get extremely intimate with a woman without kinda expecting that no other man is putting his-self anywhere near there. Never done it. It doesn't seem like a fun learning curve.
I don't know what to say to her, or how to say it. All I know is that something hurts, and I'll never be able to convey it. She'll want to sweep it under the rung. It will fester in me if I'm talking to her about other things. I'll want to bring it up. I already made a few jokes on the subject. In fact, the last thing I said to her over the phone, in a joking manner, was "good luck finding those condoms in your house!" She laughed loudly. Maybe that's a good way to end things. Instead of me explaining it... let her figure this one out for herself. 8:47 p.m. - 2006-02-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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