journalman's Diaryland Diary

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May 15 - Enjoy the Sadness

Today is an especially tough day, and definitely one for the books at that.

My college roommate, Matt, got married on Friday. He is one of my closest friends and it was a joyous occasion for everybody. I am proud of him. He graduated with honors, went to probably the best law school in the land where he also met his wife, has done some great things with his career, and is now in Tahiti with is lovely bride.

As with all peer weddings, it’s an opportunity to take inventory of one’s self. Where am I? Am I running my life properly? Are things going this well for me?

They are not going this well for me. They can... and maybe even should be, but they simply are not.

By the way, it’s not a big deal that I was in Belize. The trip at the moment brings me anything but joy. It seems like a lifetime ago... a wonderful dreamland where there are friendships, fish, and fun like nothing that my everyday non-Brigad00n life provides.

There is also sadness and loss.

After suspicion and prodding on my part, a girl I’ve been seeing and recently getting fairly close to told me that she saw her ex-fiancee last night. As in, spent the night with. Had sex with, and then decided to tell me about it.

That phone call came in mid-morning. She and I don’t have an ‘exclusive relationship’ (for the first time in my life), so she figured that since we’re friends that she would rather reveal than conceal.

Fucking beautiful.

You know, I’ve met that guy. He looks like Moby... he’s old, he’s bald, and he’s usually on 2 or 3 different drugs at any given time, aside from pot. He’s on ‘sabbatical’ (unemployment) from the type of position that wouldn’t necessitate an academic recess.

Though it’s not my ideal situation, it doesn’t bother me that she hooked up with another, per se.

What bothers me... what really bothers me... is that she went BACK to somebody that she’d already broken up with. What bothers me more than that is that this man is not mensch. He’s pretty much that old guy in the club whose eyes are glazed over from too much blow.

Exactly where AM I in life if the girl I believe likes me cuddles up with a guy like that on a Sunday night? Far away from where Matt is. Where did I go wrong?

How can I set things straight?

On a more pressing note, can I even be friends with this girl now? And if I can... should I even bother?

I went to dinner with a girl who I’ve referred to as Sparkle. I was interested in Sparkle about a year ago... when she up and did something similar. She slept with somebody else... who she met in a bar right in front of me.

Yeah, that hurt, too. Seven months have passed, and we reconciled as friends.

And tonight, on a breezy and cloudy Monday in May, she took a train and met me just so I wouldn’t be alone. She’s a good friend... she’ll never turn down an invitation to get together. She got home after work, dropped her things off, and turned around to come meet me.

Sparkle is also beautiful. Very much so, actually. And I’m an idiot if I even muster up interest in her. She’ll hurt me again, you know. We’re best off just as friends.

So if not her... then who? For real? I’m ready for the relationship of my lifetime. I’ve never been more ready.

It’s May 15th. Seven years ago on this day, I woke up with a girl named Lori who I was in love with at the time. I really may never feel so deeply for another person as I did for Lori. It was her birthday... I’d only known her about one year, and it was also the very last day I ever saw her. Her parents came to get her from her dorm post-graduation, and she moved to Los Angeles shortly thereafter.

I wonder what Lori is doing tonight. I wonder if she’d even believe it if you told her that it’s seven years later... and here I am sad as I ever was on May 15th.

11:10 p.m. - 2006-05-15

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