journalman's Diaryland Diary


Heel-Door Bombs Away, JJ/Steph Bday


My apartment is furnished with hollow interior doors; they are lightweight and provide privacy as opposed to security or safety. They're cheap.

The door to my bedroom now has a neat 4" square hole in it. It was made on early Saturday morning.

We had similar such doors in our house growing up (the familia has since vastly upgraded), and through the course of teenage boyhood, the doors would sometimes get damaged.

There was the time my sister and I were sparring (we both studied martial arts together), and she sidekicked me so hard in the ribs that I went flying out of her room across the hall and squarely into my door, cracking it. Other times, my bedroom wall got damaged. One of them, for sure, I know was the byproduct of misdirected negative emotion.

Of course my parents ahborred the sight of this damage. My punishment, atop the tongue-lashing, was to 'fix it'.

I fixed it every time. In retrospect, it was a wonderful lesson in carpentry and now I could spackle like and absolute genius.

Slaving away with tape and putty in hand & biking to the hardware store were a great way to reflect on how stupid it is to break something, or even to be physical about anger. Or sadness. Or rage. There are such fine lines.

To me, a damaged door or wall is a remnant of altogether inappropriate behavior.


I enjoyed a Friday out with visiting Belizians and came home pretty early. It's when she called.

Given our unnecessarily tumultuous history, we called it quits. She's since re-emerged, and called on Friday around midnight offering to stop by and shoot the breeze.

Roommate told me it's a bad idea, but I thought nothing of it. Besides, I'm a sucker for when somebody will go out of their way to enjoy my company. I'd been enjoying our friendship, certain that since we're both happy in it that it would continue to flourish.

Throughout the evening, she made an effort to re-capture my attention. She held long stares and then was disappointed when I looked away. She asked 'may I?' while grabbing my arm and resting her head on my shoulder in the car. I complied, but also didn't enjoy it.

The more dismissive I was, the harder she tried.

You see, but then I caved. After everything we'd been through, after all the resoulution of being 'just friends', I did the absolute wrong thing, and she spent the night.

I'm sensitive. Of all things, unless you really mean it, please don't moan and tell me how much you missed the feeling of me. I'll believe it.


She slept over and wrapped my comforter completely around herself like a cocoon.

About 7 AM, I was so incredibly cold and needed blanket. I had to ask, literally, about twenty times for it and I swear she must have heard the last five or six. But she just layed there and finally just detonated.

"You want the blanket?" , jumping out of bed. "Take the fuc*ing blanket!", while throwing it at me and gathering her stuff to leave.

As apalling as that was, more so was the tirade of deep personal insults she launched at me. It made no sense... all I wanted was the blanket!

I hated myself for letting her come over. I hated myself for falling into her trap. I hated what she did to Friday.

I remember sitting up with my eyes closed, shaking my head and saying "Stop it, stop it, just go. Just go if you're going to be like this". It was really bad.

Her insults got even worse; she began to manufacture ther rants out of thin air. She even muttered the one magic word that, after sleeping with somebody, if muttered, automatically means you can never ever talk to this person again.

I will say the word has nothing to do with me per se, but rather is about the ugliest thing a woman could do to man.

I didn't have time to be sad about the friendship she just torched.

I wanted her to go so badly, I precision-bombed her with words. Absolute shock and awe. I used my words sparingly, I didn't even use profanity. Let's just say I dessimated her at the insult game in about a dozen seconds.

I closed my bedroom door and fell back into my bed listening to her put on her boots and clomp around my living room. Right before leaving, she parted on a disgustingly classless note.

You see that was her heel that came through my door, on her way out. Charming.


2 Birthday parties on Saturday, at 2 fancy venues in Manhattan with 2 bottles at VIP tables. Lovely. Too bad I'm more or less completely sworn off vodka.

I need new friends. Fewer friends, maybe even. Better ones, definitely. I've been trying. It's tough.

Sarah the assistant re-joins us tomorrow. I look forward to making magic happen with her (again).

Not a bad time to sink my head into work. Not much is doing on other fronts, I'll tell you that much.

11:12 p.m. - 2006-09-17


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